


Battles Lost

by puppun



Category: It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia
Genre: Internalized Homophobia, M/M, Manipulative Behaviour, canon-typical horribleness
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-03-15
Updated: 2016-03-15
Packaged: 2018-05-26 23:16:20
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,291
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6259990
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/puppun/pseuds/puppun
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Mac's entire existence is one huge cockblock, standing in the way of Dennis' sexual conquests. It's especially irritating when he gets all preachy about it, trying to save Dennis from the Gay Hell™. But lo and behold as they drag each other down, neither one admitting it's actually fine.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Battles Lost

**Author's Note:**

  * For [plattykitty](https://archiveofourown.org/users/plattykitty/gifts).



> This is my first time publishing a fic in like 10 years so I apologise if I used ao3 wrong!

On an odd night the gang found themselves outside their bar, instead consuming alcohol in another bar.It was new and trendy and they hated it. The lights were too bright and the people were too friendly, except towards them. They seemed to flock to each other in a mating frenzy, these beautiful people with nice hair and presentable personalities.

"Come on, really?" Dennis scoffed loudly as two attractive people started eating each other's faces right behind them. Upon closer inspection both of them appeared to be men.

"Don't be homophobic, Dennis," Dee squawked. Out of purely selfish reasons, mind you. She hoped if the men heard her it would score her some points and maybe by the end of the night they would invite her for a threesome. Well-dressed bisexuals existed, right?

"Homophobic? Me?" Dennis scoffed again. "I'm, like, the farthest away from homophobic."

"It kinda sounds to me like you're homophobic," Charlie said and set down his bottle. "Why else would you say something like that?"

"Because," Dennis gestured vaguely towards the dudes, who were now touching each other's faces, grossly sweet. He was getting increasingly angry. "I mean, do they have to do that right in front of us, huh?"

"Still homophobic," Dee shrugged. Dennis flashed her a nice smile and slapped his knee, clearly on a verge of a breakdown.

"What does that guy have that I don't, huh!" he asked, voice high from anger. "I'd rate him two out of five and he's still making out with someone, and I'm sitting here with you losers."

And there it was, the actual reason why a guy like Dennis would get so riled up. He liked to think of himself as a top tier specimen, unlike literally everyone else. It was, of course, delusional, but delusional people didn't know they were delusional.

"Well, Dennis, it's not like the gays have much of a choice," Frank chimed in. "The broads can be picky, but these guys can't. You wouldn't believe what kind of dudes they'll settle for."

"It sounds like you have some kind of personal experience," Dennis squinted.

"Eh, it was the sixties," Frank said and slid a coaster down his shirt pocket, thinking he was exceedingly sneaky. Beside him Mac was sulking, staring into his pint.

Dennis straighened his back and looked around the bar, scoping out the crowd. The neon lights were blinding.

"Nah, I haven't sunk low enough to take advantage of some desperate gay men," he said.

"Since when aren't you low enough to take advantage of people?" Dee laughed. "You're just scared you're not good enough for anyone and that you're gonna get rejected."

Dennis slammed down his bottle and giggled.

"Rejected? Rejected? I'm not scared of that. I bet you I can get a guy to come home with me in the next ten minutes."

"You know you don't have to do it, Dennis," Mac said, finally joining the conversation. He sounded worried, pretending it was about Dennis. They all knew it was about him. Dennis especially. "Dee's just playing you."

"Oh yeah, I know," Dennis said. "But I'm still gonna do it, just to prove to you I'm still hot."

"We know you are," Mac pleaded, but Dennis had already set his mind on it. He drank down the rest of his beer, combed his fingers through his hair and left the table, striding to the back of the room with the confidence of a hot man and the face of an okay to average man. For the sake of the readers being able to sympathise with him we are going to leave his personality out of this.

Surprisingly he wasn't outright rejected by the first guy he approached, a cute hipster guy in his early thirties who probably played the guitar and was awkward around people. A perfect, slightly drunk and less than confident victim for Dennis to use his predatory charm on.

The gang lost interest in them pretty quickly, instead getting into an intense argument about the technicalities of marrying an inanimate object, namely a full-body pillow of a big-breasted cartoon girl Frank had purchased recently at something he kept calling an anime conference. Only Mac's eyes were glued on Dennis, even if usually he would have lots to say about anything that wasn't pure christian marriage.

"Okay, that's it," he finally snapped, banging his fist on the table and interrupting a very impotant and deep conversation on whether inanimate objects could consent to marriage. "I've seen enough."

Frank took the opportunity to hijack the conversation and turn it into a monologue, but Dee and Charlie turned their heads, assuming Dennis had finally succeeded. They were right. Him and the meek looking guy were full on grinding in the corner. It didn't look pretty.

"That's it," Mac repeated and stood up, then stormed to where Dennis was getting his face sucked by a dude.

"Shut up, Frank, Mac's about to do a thing," Dee hissed and elbowed the old guy. He got startled, then focused on the scene about to go down in front of them. Mac was gonna pretend he wasn't gay again. Gay for Dennis, namely, and jealous as hell

Thankfully in fancy places like this the music wasn't too loud, so they could hear the conversation. The years of thriving on drama had also trained them to concentrate on the important things and shutting out the rest.

"Hey," Mac said angrily as he stomped up to the indecent scene and pulled the other guy by the shirt. "Hey, cut it out!"

"Uh?" the hipster guy said, jumping off Dennis.

"Mac?" Dennis hissed and tried to pull the poor guy back, like they were playing a human tug of war.

"You know this guy?" the guy asked, trying to shake both of them off.

"Does he know me?" Mac said, raising the volume and pitch of his voice.

"Oh, is he your-"

"Yeah, he's mine," Mac said and finally managed to get the dude out of physical contact with Dennis.

"I'm not-" Dennis started

"I'm so sorry, I didn't know," the guy stuttered and stumbled away from Mac, apologising until he was out of his reach, then dashed to the bathrooms. He was probably going to cry. What a pitiful sight. Dee and Charlie had been hoping for a fight. Another good opportunity ruined.

Meanwhile Mac dragged Dennis back to the table. To an unobservant person he looked perfectly calm, but he had all the telltale signs of a perfect storm. There was a vein pulsating all the way down his neck and the smile on his face was that of someone about to murder a man. He sat down and stole a pint from Dee's hands.

"What the hell, Mac," he said quietly as he turned around to face Mac, voice trembling from anger.

"I couldn't look at that, dude," Mac defended himself, trying to convince himself that he had done the right thing and that Dennis wasn't about to murder him. "You can't let the gay lifestyle get you just because you haven't had luck with the ladies. Lately."

"You called me yours," Dennis hissed and looked around the table, trying to convey the audacity of those words with his expression alone.

"Well, yeah," Mac sad, shrugging. "You're my best friend"

"That's not what the guy think you were saying."

"Well, I'm sorry," Mac said mockingly. "I don't know what the hell could he think I was possibly saying."

Now the whole table was groaning. They couldn't believe Mac had already once admitted he was gay, then dove right back into the deepest sea of denial.

"To be honest I should be mad at you because you're lying to yourself," Mac said in a preachy voice. "You don't have to pretend you like men just to get laid."

"Okay, I'm done," Dennis smiled tightly and raised his hands up. "I'm leaving."

"What?" Mac asked. "Why do I get the feeling that you're suddenly angry."

"Because I am angry. At you," Dennis said and stood up. "I'm mad at you and I'm going home."

He slammed a few dollars on the table, then stood up and walked away, pushing people out of the way.

"Dennis, wait!" Mac yelled and hurried after him. "I'm going home too. I'm also mad at you but you're my ride."

Charlie, Dee and Frank watched as they disappeared into the crowd, not surprised. It was still amusing every time Mac did this, and when Dennis got angry. Except this time it happened surprisingly early and they were out of entertainment.

"Alright, I'm going to piss," Frank said and groaned as he got off the stool and headed towards where the toilets were not. He probably knew of some party where old people would do small amounts of cocaine and grope each other, so not the best way to spend a free night.

Dee and Charlie sat in silence for a while, slowly chugging down their beers. It was a little bit awkward, just the two of them alone.

"Hey," Charlie said as he finally finished his drink. "You know that pancake place? I wonder what time it closes."

Dee glanced at her watch.

"If we take my car we can still make it," she said and finished half her beer in one go, then burped. "Let's go."

Both of them smiled.

 

\--

 

"Why are you so mad, Dennis?" Mac demanded to know as both of them stormed into their apartment, small and dark and oppressing. "You should be like _thank you from saving me from eternal damnation, Mac, I'm forever in your debt_."

"You didn't save _me_ from _shit_ , Mac," Dennis argued back, his voice rising to dangerous heights. He was swaying a bit, meaning he was even more drunk than he usually was before getting behind the wheel. "All you did was prevent me from getting laid. _Again_ , mind you."

With a deep sigh Dennis stomped into the kitchen and poured himself a glass of milk. On a second thought he opened the cabinet and pulled out a bottle of whiskey, pouring it into the glass, then drank it down in one go. It was disgusting, but less disgusting than how he was feeling. There was a constant throbbing thought in his head about how much he wanted to smash Mac's head in with the bottle in his hand. Or over the counter. Against the dinner table. Kill him, kill him, kill him.

The glass slipped from his hand, shattering all over the floor. Before Dennis could even consider cleaning up, which he wouldn't have done, Mac rushed in to pick up the pieces of glass. Dennis watched in disgust as he kneeled on the floor, being oh so helpful. He would have probably licked his boots clean if Dennis just asked.

"I hate living with you," he heard himself say as he pushed a piece of glass away from Mac. "It's like being married to you but with none of the perks."

Mac stood up, looking hurt. He put the glass down into the sink, hoping it will wash away eventually so he wouldn't have to put it in the garbage.

"I mean really, what's the point of living with someone if you can't even bang them!" Dennis continued, frustrated. He kicked the counter once, leaving one of many black lines on it. "I mean," he laughed, "that's just poor resource management, right? Why would we share our lives and spend so much energy on each other if we don't do it?!"

"Really, Dennis?" Mac frowned. "I give _everything_ to you and you just see me as someone who's in your way?"

"Well, not everything," Dennis raised his voice, half shouting at this point.

"Sex, is that what you want?" Mac replied, his voice also loud and shrill.  It was dripping with desperation, and a kind of unconditional affection that was hard to achieve. "If that's really what you need then sure, let's do it."

"What?"

They stood in the dim light of a cheap broken chandelier, staring at each other, two guys who were turning 40, who had lived apart for about two days while Dennis was going through his marriage phase. Pathetic and codependent. Able but not willing to give into each other's needs.

Not until now.

It dawned on Mac what he had just proposed and he took a step back, shocked by his own words. Dennis noticed it. As infuriating as closeted Mac was, it was even worse when he peeked through the door, then slammed it shut again. Dennis wanted to tear it down, then set the closet on fire. Mac had clearly spoken from the heart and Dennis would rather rip his head off than let him back down. Once again.

"No takebacks," he added quickly. "You said you'd do it."

"What?" Mac echoed.

This was the opportunity of a lifetime. Dennis was at his wit's end with Mac being in denial, especially after the boat incident. He was also just generally angry at him for being a cockblock. But, above all, he was horny.

"You said you'd do it. And I want sex. So let's do it."

There was a long pause filled with confused noises Mac made, waving a finger around and trying to counter Dennis' argument. In reality it was as easy as saying "no", but Dennis knew Mac wouldn't do it. He didn't want to.

He loved Dennis. Not that either of them, especially Dennis, knew what love is, but Mac did, in his own twisted way. He had admitted it, even if it was under the threat of imminent death. And the signs were clear anyway. In the depths of his mind Dennis realised no one in their right mind would put up with him for so long.

"Come on," he continued, raising his hands up. "Let's fucking do it, what the hell."

The look on his face was nonchalant, almost mocking. This meant absolutely nothing to him. Except it did. Mac's final defeat in the face of his divinity.

" _Fine_!" Mac finally said. "I did say I'd do it."

 _"Fine_ ," Dennis replied and put his hands down.

It was so familiar, the way Mac took a hesitant step forward, just about to kiss Dennis. It had happened to many times before.

So Dennis knew to dodge it. He didn't have time for this.

"My room," he said and stomped through the apartment, not even looking whether Mac was following him. He knew he was. In the end this was too easy. He wouldn't even have to try to pretend he gave a shit. He had Mac wrapped around his finger tight like an old wedding ring on swollen fingers.

It was painful to look just how fast Mac got naked, throwing off everything but his underwear and climbing into bed, his bare knees up to his chin. His hypocrisy was a crime against all people everywhere. But in the end his pathetic, eager state just made Dennis more turned on. To think it was going to be him that finally made Mac fall from grace. His sexual power felt infinite.

Dennis was in no rush and instead put up a show, dramatically shedding pieces of clothing one after next. Mac looked at him in disgust and disbelief, but Dennis knew it was turning him on. It wasn't called a strip _tease_ for nothing. He flexed a little, showing off his muscles before dropping down his underwear.

"Did you have to do that?" Mac asked, his eyes nailed to Dennis' crotch and revealing his true feelings.

"Well, we're gonna bang, aren't we," Dennis said and climbed into the bed, forced to awkwardly spread Mac's knees apart to get all in there. The guy already had a boner.

For the first time ever he took a good, lustful look at Mac's body. He was no Dennis, for sure, but still in a pretty good shape for someone who mainly ran on beer and junk food. His age was starting to show, too, but not too bad. For a guy he was pretty decent, actually. Dennis could deal with this. He could deal with the stubble and the trail of hair disappearing into the boxers. He just wanted to fuck. With confident motions he got between Mac's legs and pushed their chests together. Mac's was all sweaty and pounding. Gross.

"Uh, yeah," Mac replied, circling his arms around Dennis' neck in a way that actually kept him away more than pulled him in. His body tensed up as Dennis put his hands on his sides and slid them down, slowly, ready to get him naked. "Wait, wait," he yelped as soon as Dennis' fingers reached the waistband.

"What is it," Dennis hissed, annoyed. He swore that if Mac chickened out at this point he would seriously kill him.

"Can we, like, kiss first," Mac said and set his hands on Dennis' cheeks. "Like, foreplay and shit."

Dennis groaned. He was going to get this whole thing out of the way as fast as possible, but of course Mac had to make it unnecessarily difficult. All this kissing stuff was pretty gross, an obstacle he had to overcome before getting to the sweet, sweet sex. But everyone else seemed to like it so he had learned to indulge them over the years. In the long run it made things easier.

" _Fine_ ," he said and smashed his face with Mac's. If he was going to do this he was going to make sure it was on his terms. None of that mushy shit.

Mac let out a gross whine as Dennis shoved his tongue deep into his mouth, blocking his breathing for a moment. Immediately Mac's hands unlocked from Dennis' face and slid down his back, exploring. Dennis let him, putting minimal effort into this whole endeavour.

It barely took Mac two minutes to get to the point where he was squirming and panting, desperate for anything, something. Finally. That was two minutes wasted. Dennis tugged on Mac's underwear, sure Mac would be ready - or at least too distracted. But the guy was surprisingly observant for someone so far gone.

"Wait, wait, wait, wait," Mac blubbered against Dennis' lips. "This is all wrong."

"What is it _now_ ," Dennis sighed. He was, like, _this close_ to murder.

"Why are you on top? I should be on top," Mac complained and Dennis let out another sigh, this time of relief. "You're a tiny twink and I'm a buff bear, it's only right if I'm the one taking you."

That wasn't how it worked, but Dennis wasn't going to complain if that was what it took for him to finally get off. This would probably mean less work, too.

" _Alright_ ," he rolled his eyes and collapsed on the bed dragging Mac on top of him, as the guy seemed all talk and no action. "Now take off those boxers, for god's sake. Are we gonna bang or not?"

Hastily Mac stripped down, almost kneeing Dennis in the face in the process, then flopped on top of him, one hand on the pillow and another on his dick, guiding himself between Dennis' legs. Dennis laid under him, annoyed at how heavy the guy was, and wondered if anything less sexy had ever happened in the history of sex. Mac's dick was poking him in all the wrong places. He was never gonna get inside at this rate.

"What the hell are you _doing_?" Dennis asked, pushing on Mac's shoulders.

"Getting inside you," Mac replied, smiling like a puppy.

"Okay, first of all," Dennis said and reached out to his side, grabbing a pillow.

"What's that?"

"This, my friend, is the sex pillow, my best friend," Dennis said, proud.

"I thought _I_ was your best friend," Mac scoffed, looking at the pillow like it was Judas himself.

"There are things we've experienced together I could never do with a human being," Dennis shook his head. He smelled the pillow and smiled widely.

"Are you- are you banging the pillow?" Mac asked, increasingly confused.

"No, idiot. Move," Dennis said and tucked it under his back, making his hips rise up. Mac let out a knowing noise, but Dennis suspected he had no idea what had just happened. Elevation was important if you wanted to get a good angle. Dennis hoped Mac had never tried anal with women. He reached out to the bedside table and pulled out the top drawer. Mac couldn't help peeking inside, then recoiled. Inside was a collection of neatly stacked toys, ranging from realistic-looking dildos to beads and worse. Dennis cocked an eyebrow at him.

"Are those… do the chicks use those?" Mac stuttered.

"Ew, no," Dennis scoffed. "I'm not letting some filthy stranger use my toys. If they want to use toys they should bring them with them."

Mac still didn't look convinced.

"Look, no shame in a bit of butt action. There's only so many times you can jack off the normal way before you need to add a little something-something," Dennis smiled, looking as predatory as ever. His hand finally found the thing he was looking for - a bottle of lube, the water-based kind. He researched his sex toy compatibility.

Mac looks bewildered as Dennis handed him the bottle of lube. After some consideration he opened it and started squirting it on his dick, clearly ready for action.

"Jesus, Mac," Dennis squawked and kicked the guy in the shoulder. "You can't just do that!"

"What?" Mac asked, startled.

"Just ram your dick inside. I thought you were just whining about foreplay and shit."

"Yeah but - that's done now, isn't it?" Mac frowned, rubbing his arm where Dennis' kick had landed.

"Done? No. You need to finger it first, you dummy," Dennis said and dragged his hands down his face.

"Finger?"

"Yeah. You've fingered someone before, a woman, have you?"

"Uh, no?" Mac said, his frown deepening even further.

"Then how the hell do you do it?"

"Just in and out, like a normal person?"

"Ah," Dennis sighed knowingly. The good old in and out. It didn't really work with broads who were over eight out of ten. They knew their value, much to Dennis' annoyance. They demanded to get wet.

Then it dawned on him.

"Wait, so you're saying you've never _ever_ fingered a woman?" he asked.

"Nope," Mac confirmed.

"So basically what you're saying is that you've probably never given anyone an orgasm," Dennis squinted.

"What, I've given women orgasms!" Mac protested.

"No you haven't," Dennis. "Women don't come from just-" he made a gesture with the fingers of his one hand quickly moving inside the fist of his other hand for three seconds, then imitated an explosion.

"They don't?" Mac scoffed. "I just assumed they came at the same time as I did."

This was turning out to be more of a hassle than was worth Dennis' time. He rubbed his temples for a second.

"I can't believe I have to hold your hand though the whole thing," he said with his eyes closed.

"Will you?" Mac said, sounding hopeful. "Hold my hand, I mean."

Dennis opened his eyes again and stared at Mac in disbelief.

"I meant metaphorically," he said. "Don't make this weird."

"Oh," Mac's face dropped. He shuffled uncomfortably between Dennis' knees. "Okay, show me how to give you an orgasm."

"What did I _just_ say," Dennis groaned. Before Mac could say anything more incriminatingly embarrassing he put up his hands, hoping the guy would stop. He gestured for Mac to lube up his fingers, then grabbed his hand and guided it between his legs. The lube made it feel cold.

With his hand Dennis made Mac fold the rest of his fingers except his middle finger. With some difficulty, because Mac was being tense as all hell, but still. Then he started rubbing the guy's finger around his asshole, like it was another toy. It was just as stiff, for sure. But it only took Dennis' body's responsiveness at this point. And it was responsive, thankfully. His body knew assplay meant better orgasms.

He worked Mac's finger inside pretty quickly, his ass being somewhat stretched out by the toys. Mac was being incredibly awkward, but slowly Dennis managed to ease him up enough for the movement to become fluid, instead of stiff in-and-out action. The guy still looked grossed out, but he was slowly getting into it.

"Okay, now try two," Dennis said in a while and let go, putting both his hands behind his head.

"Two fingers?" Mac asked.

" _Yes_ two fingers," Dennis groaned. Mac fumbled around a little bit, then managed to complete the task. Now it actually felt like something, the joints on Mac's fingers rubbing him nicely as they moved at the entrance. "Now spread them apart a bit."

Mac obeyed, getting increasingly into the action, seeing as Dennis was somewhat into it too. The guy's dick was fully erect, periodically poking against Dennis' thigh. Pathetic. Annoying. Dennis couldn't wait to have it inside him. Just to get it over with. Impatiently he grabbed Mac's wrist, stopping his movement.

"Fine, that's enough," he said, pulling Mac's fingers out. His ass made a slurping sound, making both of them shudder. "Just put it in."

Mac glanced at his erection, suddenly looking ashamed. Well, it was his shameful gay boner, but not that there was any point in being ashamed anymore. They had crossed some kind of line already.

"Shouldn't we use a condom or something? For safety," Mac said, making Dennis scoff.

"A condom, really? You can't get pregnant in the ass, Mac," he said and put one of his legs up on Mac's shoulder. "That's the beauty of it."

"Yeah but-"

" _Just put your goddamn dick inside me,_ " Dennis hissed and pulled Mac down by his neck. Mac breathed in between his teeth, then grabbed his cock, rubbing the rest of the lube on it. With his other hand he grabbed the back of Dennis' thigh, spreading his legs apart awkwardly. Dennis was too impatient to care.

With some trouble Mac finally found the entrance and guided his dick inside, then shoved it all they way in in a few quick pushes. Dennis hissed out in discomfort, but Mac probably took it for a moan of pleasure, because he immediately started ramming into the other guy's ass. Dennis' ache was brief, thankfully, as he grew accustomed to Mac's length inside him. He'd taken toys bigger than that.

To Mac's credit he wasn't half-bad when it came to speed. Those years of pretending to work out must have improved his stamina in some way. Dennis could feel himself actually get breathless as the other guy's dick slammed into his ass fast and hard, Mac's hot, heavy breath heaving against his ear. It started feeling good in a while, a pleasant hotness concentrating from Dennis' abdomen and slowly spreading elsewhere. As Mac hit a particularly good spot he felt his toes curl up.

It was nice, really, not having to do anything. He let himself slip and make some moans, sure of the fact that Mac was too lost in his own thing to notice. He was going hard. But Dennis needed him to go harder, pound him like there was no tomorrow, because this weird combination of pleasure, pain and shame were the only things that made him feel alive.

In the heat of the moment Dennis wrapped his legs around Mac's waist, forcing him even deeper than before. His hands reached for Mac's back, broad and sweaty. His nails dug into the skin.

Then Mac let out a loud groan, his face twisting up into an ugly expression of pure joy, for a second not held back by anything. Dennis regretted keeping his eyes open. People's cum faces were so disgustingly emotional.

"Oh, that was so good," Mac huffed as he collapsed on top of Dennis. "I'm done."

" _What_ ," Dennis said, immediately untangling his limbs from around him. "How about me?"

"Did you come?" Mac asked, his voice husky.

It was appalling, honestly.

"How-" Dennis stammered, "how could I have come? When?"

"When I did," Mac said.

" _That is not how it works_ ," Dennis squawked, immediately brought to the point of rage. "Goddamnit, Mac."

"Well we can do it again, I'm sure I can get it up again in like ten minutes," Mac said and raised himself up on his elbows, looking at his friend's infuriated face.

"I am not! Waiting for ten minutes!" Dennis complained and punched the bed.

"Nothing I can do about it," Mac shrugged and slowly backed up, pulling his dick out of Dennis' ass.

" _Plenty_ you can do about it! Blow me or whatever."

"I'm not gonna blow you, Dennis. I agreed to sex, not blowing you."

With that he rolled away, settling down beside Dennis. He looked exhausted and somewhat pleased with himself. Dennis was furious. Somehow he had played him. And now he'd have to have the angriest wank of the century, horny and humiliated. His mind was rushing too hard from lust, too hard to kick Mac out.

After a minute and a half of angry, mindless jerking, he finally blew his load, spraying it all over his stomach. What started out as a potentially great assfuck ended up being the most dissatisfying wank ever. Dennis Reynolds swore his revenge. Next time it was gonna be Mac that suffered.

If there was ever a next time.

Dennis smacked his head against the wall and exhaled. The cum on his stomach was gross, but the cum leaking out of his ass was even more gross. Is this what women had to go through every time, the leaking and the awful, slippery feeling? Now he finally understood why they demanded to wear condoms, even if it was anal. Not like he cared, but it was the knowledge that counted, right?

"Ugh, gross," he said, inspecting his cum-stained fingers.

"I know, right," Mac said, then sat up straight. "Alright, I'm gonna go take a shower," he said and gestured to the bathroom.

"What? Mac, I'm clearly more in need of a shower," Dennis protested, appalled at how inconsiderate Mac was being.

"Well, I told you we needed two bathrooms," Mac shrugged.

" _I_ told you that! And you said you'd rather save a few bucks on rent!" Dennis groaned loudly.

Mac stood up and stretched, his back muscles flexing up.

"Well, if we're doing the whole married couple act anyway I guess you could join me in the shower," he said. Dennis rolled his eyes so far back into his head he saw stars. In the end he'd have to agree. Mac had called dibs on the bathroom, and that was a sacred manly pact.

Feeling gross and humiliated Dennis stood up. He glanced at the bed, a wet stain in the middle of it.

"Ugh," he grunted and ripped the sheet of the bed, leaving everything in a bundle by the bed.

"I'll clean it up later," Mac said, finally returning to his normal self - a submissive housewife, ready to act upon Dennis' every whim. In the end this didn't change anything. Mac may have won a battle, but Dennis was ultimately winning the war. He'd always have the upper hand.

"I'm sleeping in your bed tonight then," he scoffed. "You're sleeping on the couch."

Mac cast his eyes down, also well aware of his role in this relationship. He kicked a sock that was lying on the ground, thinking about something. Then he looked up, a weird confidence tinkling in his eyes.

"You know, most married couples sleep together," he said.

" _Fine_ ," Dennis replied.

They were not fine. But it was going to be. Somehow.


End file.
